"Plus 7 dildo."

We're doing this thing again, but this time we're playing D&D...
Since 8pm, this is what's happened:
-Get summoned by the king. They want us to find some magic sword that was stolen.
-Mike attacks the floor, rolls a 1, hits his own foot for a bunch of damage.
-Phoebe makes an orc rofl to death.
-We all get attacked by inanimate objects--Beauty and the Beast from hell.
-Not even two hours in, Patrick gets killed by a burning table.
-We grapple a magic sword forever, take it back...it's the wrong one.
-10:30pm, we get level 5.
-Get sent to blow up a building.
-Bill makes a terrible pun using our destination city "Korth" which gets him interrogated by NPCs at customs. He's thrown in prison.
-Patrick kills an orphan through a series of unfortunate events.
-Veronica and Phoebe have nothing to do, so we drink gallons of ale until dawn while Mike reads maps.
-Patrick gets all sorts of religious in order to bring the orphan back to life (Silver Flame).
-Bill gets a prison tatt of a Ilithid skull. The guy giving it to him rolls a 3, so it looks like a sheep.
-Bill's put on trial, Phoebe's his lawyer (turns into Tricia Helfer), Bill makes the judge attracted to him.
-12:30am, we get level 6.